No Fear…Almost

The last blog post I made was August 20, 2020, where I talked about distractions.  Apparently, I’ve been distracted for about a year otherwise I would have written something.  Anything.  Instead, I’ve been struggling through a very dry creative spell.  From writing witty commentary, stories and blog posts, to just about anything artsy and crafty, it’s been so very arid.  A few weeks ago I started (operative word being “started”) a daily practice of writing something, even if just one line, to see if I could kick start what was once my longstanding desire to write, write and write some more.  What I began with was this:

“I will strive to write one thing a day, no matter how bad I think it is, and over time my writing will become as it is meant to be.  Each time I put words together I am flexing my writing muscle and over time the atrophy that set in will turn to strength.  I seem to have convinced myself that everything that could be said, has been said and I have nothing to offer, nothing to add to the worldwide narrative.  This is not true.  I will find my voice but I must let go of the fear of judgment.”

And then…nothing.  Nada.  Zzzz.  Not a single word has been written until now.

Why now?  Because I have something to say.  Many somethings.  I began this blog for the express reason of writing about my experiences with aging, thus the name Aging Inferno, but I got sidetracked by fear.  Fear that what I share will not be engaging, or of interest or that, egads, I will fall under scrutiny.  Will what I write about be too much, not enough, will I hurt someone’s feelings or piss someone off, will I have perfect sentence structure, will I be my own worst critic, will I even make sense?  Seriously.  Who cares?

The world is full of blogs and words and they all say something.  Keeping what I have to say to myself is safe.  There are no fireworks doing it this way but there is also no chance of hearing another point of view.  No room for growth. 

So grow I will.

A lot has happened since the pandemic began.  One of the things I discovered was the rosary.  Not the rosary most know in relation to the Catholic Church.  No.  As I discovered, praying with beads predates Christianity and is one of several ancient ways used to count prayers.  (Quick FYI – The English word for ‘bead’ comes from the Anglo-Saxon word ‘bede’ which means ‘prayer’ or ‘bidden’ which means ‘to pray’.)  Now you know. 

The purpose of praying, or making petitions, is to connect the human side of us with our spiritual side and the spiritual world.  One doesn’t have to be religious to reap the benefits of praying with beads.  Doing so can be calming and help with focus as it brings the mind into a meditative state, something I found I so desperately needed.

Something else I needed was to come back here, back to what I’ve always loved but somehow managed to bury deep within the belly of my fears.  Back to writing, to sharing what I care about, what I love, what I hate, what gets my motor running and what shuts me down along side the highway.  It’s time to come back to me.

(c) Terri Onorato. All Rights Reserved.