If you are not a football fan don’t click the back button just yet! This is not a lesson on the art of football (if you can call it an art) but instead some of my observations on a game consisting of big, burly guys in tight pants.
I’ve always loved football and my husband has been a great teacher. I’ve learned a lot about football from him but with knowledge comes the curiosity to know more. This is usually where I get ino trouble.
Let’s start with the tight pants. Most of these guys wouldn’t be caught dead attending a ballet but willingly go out in front of hundreds of thousands of people every week in tight, colorful pants that leave little to the imagination.
How about those head butts? After a big play the guys will jump on each other and butt helmets. Hard. I’m no doctor but I imagine it can’t be good for brain matter to be slammed against the inner walls of one’s skull this way.
Football jargon…the Hail Mary. This is often used when the offense is down by points and the chance of scoring can only occur with a miracle of Biblical proportions. What I want to know is how come you never see a player standing in the middle of the football field praying the rosary?
A Blackout…not allowing a football game to be seen on television in the same local area that it is being played, thereby seriously pissing off football fans. In my younger days a blackout was what happened to me every weekend after partying a little too hearty.
Cheap shot…a deliberate foul against an unsuspecting player. To me a cheap shot is when I remind my sister that she’s older than me and she reminds me that I have to bleach my upper lip and she doesn’t.
Double coverage…involves two defensive players trying to bully the receiver. For me, double coverage is dressing in layers to hide my pear shaped body.
Fumble…when an offensive player loses the ball.
Fumble recovery…when someone grabs the ball from the fumbling fool who dropped it in the first place. My fumbles usually consist of tripping over my own feet, landing face first on the carpet and then quickly jumping up like nothing stupid just happened.
Out of the shotgun…some kind of passing formation thingy involving the quarterback. The only thing I’ve ever seen come out of a shotgun is a bullet but what do I know?
My favorite? Unsportsmanlike conduct…when a player taunts or acts in an unsportsmanlike manner. Case in point, it is unsportsmanlike, yet amusing, to yank a non-dog person’s chain by telling them that your brindle greyhound is actually a Siberian tiger hound.
Unsportsmanlike conduct is truly my favorite. As I get older I find more reasons for my own unsportsmanlike conduct. If I want to race into a parking space that someone younger than me is waiting for I tell them to get over it; I’m older and have more insurance. In our politically correct times I figure this is nicer than flipping them off.
For all you football widows and widowers out there don’t despair! It will all be over soon, at which time you can confiscate the remote control and threaten to hire a hit man should anyone try to take it from you.
Unsportsmanlike conduct indeed.