Shift Happens

What happens when a shift occurs?  Something moves, adjusts itself, pushes and pulls until it settles into a new spot.  Seemingly at odds with itself, the shift is sometimes nearly imperceptible, yet like a runaway train it infiltrates our life and we have no control over it whatsoever.  What do we do?  We learn to adjust. But first we reach out.

What happens when a shift occurs?  Sometimes we feel the change coming, slow and ghost-like, the repercussions of it on the periphery, waiting, and we have no idea what the sensation is trying to tell us.  Once the tugging, twitching, and tweaking are complete, painful as they may have been, hindsight kicks in and we have our aha moment and see the shift for what it is.  Then what?  We have to adjust. If we don’t adjust, we can’t take the next step, or the next.

What happens when a shift occurs?  Here we are, moving at the speed of life when out of nowhere tragedy strikes a horrible blow, its shockwaves causing the ground upon which we stand to quake with fury, buckling the road we were so obliviously cruising on, forcing a seismic shift of the most painful proportions…and we are blindsided. We don’t see it coming so we hold on to whatever feels stable long enough to survive the onslaught.  Eventually, when the broken foundation beneath us finally goes still, we assess the damage and see where the shift occurred.  We strike a deal with ourselves and ask for help. This could be our only saving grace, our road to adjusting to the new landscape left behind by the shift.

What happens when a shift occurs?  Our options, it would seem, are few.  We can (and sometimes do) fall apart.  We lose our shit and we crumble, which is perfectly acceptable when horrible things happen.  But this is not where we want to hang our hat and spend the rest of our lives.  The Shit and Crumble Hotel is okay for a visit but we aren’t meant to move in permanently.  It’s cold, it’s lonely and it doesn’t offer continental breakfast.  We can’t adjust here, not honestly anyway.

Then there is the often used but rarely successful option to brush off the dust and march forward with no willingness to look at the shift at all because we are too hell bent on trying to “get back to normal.”  It takes a while but at some point we come to see that the only normal now existing is the one the shift created.  We begrudgingly admit this is doable even though it isn’t what we expected so we launch adjustment mode and hope for the best.

Then there is the choice that makes the most sense but is the hardest to do and that is simply sitting down and taking it all in, evaluating the shift, what it means and how it pertains to life as we now see it.  Take the time to feel all the feels and grieve for life as it was before the shift sent it into orbit.  This option allows the shift to move us in the direction we need to go, and once we get our bearings, well, you know.  We adjust. Wash, rinse, repeat.

This isn’t giving up or giving in, it’s change.

When we were young no one warned us that shift happens all.the.freaking.time.  The tectonic plates of our existence are forever in motion, sometimes moving towards each other and sometimes away.  When the stress in our lives overcomes our ability to cope, there is friction and the next thing we know we are up shifts creek without a paddle.  Or munchies.  This is when we need to find it within ourselves to reach out.

My reaching out ability is abysmal.  I think it’s because I don’t know what I really want when my personal tectonic plates are in full shift mode.  On the outside looking in, oftentimes a shift looks more like an unholy mess that needs fixing, but it’s not.  I feel that most of us don’t want anyone to “fix” our shift, we don’t need our shiny new shift-ness to be mended, repaired, nailed or duct taped.  What so many of us want, what we need, is someone to sit in the middle of our shift and tell us, “Yes, this really does suck and I will sit here with you in all the suckage until you are okay.”  And maybe they will bring us soup.

Sometimes we need help, other times we need to be the help.  There are no steadfast rules on how to handle either one except to be kind.  We need to be kind to ourselves when the shift hits the fan and love ourselves enough to reach out, no matter how hard it is.  There is also the kindness that follows when we are asked for help.  This kindness is born not from wanting to fix, but to sit in companionship, and if necessary slurp soup, until the person and their shift have decided on the details of a peace treaty.

(Side bar:  if we can’t help, that’s okay, we all have our shift to deal with, but at least don’t cause hurt.  Maybe find a way to help the person needing help to find help for their shift.  Got that?)

Shift happens.  (Personally, I think this should be a required class in middle school, the age of total chaos and confusion in kids, so maybe they won’t feel so bat-shift out of sorts and will seek help.) 

It’s no big secret that change is inevitable, sometimes it hurts and if nothing else it’s confusing but regardless, the shifts of life require one thing above all else and that is to adjust.  We can do this at our own pace and on our own terms but adjust we must.  Shift is going to happen with or without our permission but we don’t have to go it alone.  We can reach out, take a hand and let someone help us with our shift. 

© Terri Onorato 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

Please…Don’t Go

10/24/2019 by Terri Onorato

I don’t know you and you don’t know me but I’ve been where you are…young, confused and feeling completely alone. The life that you’d hoped for is not the life you have and you believe your only option in ending the pain is to end your life.  I’m here to tell you there is another option. To live.  Against all odds and all the crap, the option is to live.

I get it, it feels like you’ve been fighting your whole life.  Fighting against the pain of bullies, peer pressure, anxiety, the desire to fit in and most of all the desire to be yourself and be accepted for who you are.

It doesn’t matter your age;,your pain is real. You’ve been fighting demons and commanding battles between your heart and head for as long as you can remember.  You are weary, angry and fed up. As a young person, the years ahead must look like they too will be filled with pain, so you wonder what the point is. Why keep pushing ahead if you’re going to feel this way for the rest of your life?

Remember what I said a moment ago? I’ve been where you are and I am here to tell you that things can get better. Sounds like empty words, right? A simple promise with no meaning behind it because how could I possibly know that things can get better for you?  Good question, because when I was going through my own hell at home as well as elementary, junior high and high school I didn’t know what would be good for me in the future either.  I realize now that I didn’t need to know how things were going to get better, I just needed to believe that they would.

You have a spark that is desperately needed. If you leave, this world will miss out on what only you and you alone has to offer. You see, everything we do has a ripple effect. The smallest act can create repercussions long after the ripples fade. This means that every time you do something kind and loving, creative and beautiful, it has an affect far beyond your sight. If this world loses your love and goodness, your creative spirit and individuality, then we are missing out on something extraordinarily important and necessary.  You.

It hurts, I know. Life is hard. It is at times painful, messy, grossly unfair and earth-shattering. But then there are times when it is beautiful, sweet, exciting and fun. These are the things you have to look for.  You have to seek them out and pull them to you so you don’t lose sight of them.  Stop rolling your eyes, I am not trying to fill you with platitudes and a false sense of hope.  What I’m telling you is that true hope exists. Not “out there” but inside of you.

Every single thing you are going through is temporary. Now wait, before you get pissed at me, think about it.  Things (circumstances, people) change constantly.  We are energy in motion so we can’t stay the same. Are you the same person today that you were a few years ago?  Everything changes and that means your current circumstances will too.

How you look at your life, your circumstances and yourself helps determine how you handle your situations.  First of all, please do everything you can to get help for whatever is going on in your life. You are worth it. Take a leap of faith and trust someone. Follow your instincts, they will guide you in finding someone who can help you but more than anything else have faith in yourself.  Do not listen to the negative self-talk, do not listen to those who are trying to hurt you, they don’t know anything about the real you, the you that is beautiful and creative, kind and generous. Hell, you may not even know these things about yourself yet but I think if you look deep enough you’ll find it.

Will staying be easy?  Nope.  It will be a royal, painful bitch at times. Will it be worth it?  It will.  Every single time you overcome an obstacle, you will grow and become wiser. Let your imagination and curiosity about your future propel you forward.  In the end the decision is yours. I hope you will reconsider the choice to leave and instead get help, take care of yourself body and soul and see what happens next.  Give life a chance.

I may never meet you but I am rooting for you.  Please…don’t go. The world needs you.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 24/7

MY3 is an app you can download for free to keep track of your warning signs, coping strategies, and the people you can reach out to for help

The Trevor Project 1-866-488-7386 (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/) – The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services LGBTQ young people under 25.