Aging ain't for sissies. Neither is chronic pain.

Posts tagged ‘holidays’

You Light Up My Life

During the holidays we enjoy driving through the neighborhood and looking at the lights and beautifully decorated homes.  I often wonder what the story is behind each homeowner’s decorating experience.  Was it good? Was it bad? Were divorce papers served? 

It was time to decorate the outside of our own home so we held a little pep rally to prepare ourselves and headed for the basement.  We opened the boxes marked “outdoor lights” and found ourselves gaping at a mountainous cluster of tangled, snarling lights.  I swear they multiplied over the summer.  How did we let this happen?  And why do I have to ask myself this question so often?

You know how it is when you look at something you can’t quite comprehend and all you can do is stare?  Yeah, me too.  Peering through squinted eyes at the overwhelming mangle of lights caused my brain to freeze like a polar ice cap.  It simply did not compute.

In order to protect my fragile state of mind my husband takes over and begins to tackle the Christmas lights like a pro.  I quickly escaped to the bathroom and locked the door before he changed his mind and decided he needed help.

I should have known I would not get off that easy.


Just as I began to relax my husband came inside holding a string of lights.  I knew what he was about to ask me.  I frantically searched the data bank that is my brain for a quick excuse to turn tail and run but before I got a chance he said, “These lights aren’t working.  Would you check the bulbs and find the faulty one?”

Being the good natured person that I am, I growled at him and grabbed the lights.  I spent the next 45 minutes testing one flippin’ bulb at a time.  I haven’t copped an attitude like that since I went to the hair salon for a new do and came out looking like Don King in drag.

After about a decade (okay, 45 minutes) my husband came in and said, “Don’t worry about it honey, I’ve got working lights here I can use.”  My sanity took a nose dive and I promptly dropped an unceremonious f-bomb under my breath (much to my husband’s chagrin).

Finally night descended upon us and we turned on the outdoor lights and oh my, were they beautiful!  They were bright, festive and most importantly, all the lights were working.  It’s funny how life can turn on you in 20 minutes or less because that’s all it took for three quarters of the lights to disappear into the dark abyss of night.  Crap.

All those flippin’ lights hiding in the dark with nary a flicker just about broke me.  How would we ever find the sorry ass faulty bulb that caused this blackout?  Suddenly we had an epiphany…maybe a fuse in one of the light sets was bad.

Do you have any idea how small those fuses are?  Have you ever tried to replace one the dark?  Not an easy task I assure you but Fred did it.  I said a little prayer (I doubt God is really interested in our light plight but it never hurts to ask) as my husband put in the fuse and voila!  Let there be light.

We have now come to the end of our program.  The decorations are up, the lights are on and neither one of us had to hire an attorney.

And to all a good night…


Pass the Gravy and the Sale Ads

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow is Thanksgiving; a day to give thanks, enjoy time with dysfunctional family and friends, unbutton the top button on your jeans, eat until you’re sick and then decide if you’re going to get up at 3am or 4am to hit those Black Friday sales.

I did a little research on Black Friday and found some interesting tidbits.  The term Black Friday, used in relation to the shopping season that begins the day after Thanksgiving, dates back to at least 1966.  So, what did they call the “day after Thanksgiving” before 1966?  Oh wait, I know!  They called it the day after Thanksgiving.

In January 1966 Black Friday was the name which the Philadelphia Police Department gave to the Friday following Thanksgiving Day because of heavy traffic. Heavy traffic is a gross understatement.  It’s been said that there are people who, on Black Friday, have sat in a line of traffic for so long that when they come out on the other side they are hit with the heartbreaking news that all of their computer electronics have become obsolete.

And parking, OMG.  Take 450,000 tired, aggravated people, put blinders on them and turn em loose in the mall parking lot.  There will be much groaning and gnashing of teeth.

Inside, the store is a world all its own.  It’s like the running of the bulls in Spain.  If you are not completely encased in body armor and sporting a light saber you may never get out alive.

Once you get past the mannequins with their perfect boobs and glassy eyes, it is almost impossible to find a shopping cart.  You realize maybe it’s better that way when you witness crazed shoppers throughout the store crashing into each other with alarming ferocity. 

Perhaps you go into a store on Black Friday needing only one item.  You convince yourself you can get in, grab the item and get back out with minimal bodily harm.  (Let me know how that works out for you.)

All you need is a gift for Aunt Mary who has expressed great enthusiasm for a bright, snug-fitting orange sweater delicately adorned with purple sequins, peacock feathers and a frilly yellow collar.  From across the crowded store you see it.  (How could you miss it?) There is one left and it’s yours!!  You run as fast as you can to the rack that’s holding this one-of-a-kind knitted masterpiece, slide to a stop, and without taking a breath reach for it; the anticipation more than you can bear.

Without warning you are blindsided by the thud of a shopping cart hitting you in the ass.  You look up from the floor at a crazed shopping psychopath who rips the sweater off the hanger and then, in her quest for the next big ticket item, runs over your foot with the cart.  Stunned and dazed you can’t decide if it’s time to go home or to the nearest bar.  Instead you get up, walk over to the cologne counter and get a Jean Nate’ gift basket for Aunt Mary.  She damn well better appreciate it.

To all you Black Friday shoppers…enjoy Thanksgiving.  May your family behave, may the turkey not explode in the deep fryer because you dropped it in fully frozen (even though you were warned about this by your neighbor who is recovering from his own 2nd degree burns) and may the wine and gravy flow abundantly.  May you have a blessed, peaceful day because Friday baby, all hell breaks loose.

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