When I was younger I mistakenly believed life would somehow become easier as I got older. I could not have been more wrong.
Once I hit my 50s it seems anxiety has become more of a companion than I would prefer and I’ve struggled to figure out why. I’m older now and wiser too so I should feel more confident and less afraid, right? Perhaps finally accepting that I have more time behind me than in front of me has exacerbated anxiety I’ve carried for so long. I know this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be but I think the pressure I put on myself to “get over it” is a big part of the problem as well.
I’ve been spending time lately identifying my anxieties and fears for what they truly are and trying to unearth their origins. I figured if I did this I might be able to work through some of them. I can’t say that I’m over them or they are gone but I’ve learned a few things that make my fears and my worries less monsoon-like.
First I had to be honest with myself and admit I have issues with trust. It stems back to when I was very young and right or wrong, good or bad, I have carried them with me my entire life. This includes a lack of trust in God. I believe strongly in a higher Power but I don’t totally trust it. I think the problem lies in how I perceive the world around me. Because the world appears to be going to hell in a hand basket it makes it hard for me to believe in a loving God. That is, until I take the time to be completely aware that I only see the world through a small lens and this is not enough to make a judgment call regarding trust toward a Power much more vast and mysterious than I can ever know.
I also have a thing about control…I want to control everything in my life. This has pushed me to live more rigidly than I need to. I think deep inside I believe that if I can control everything (EVERYTHING!!), down to the most miniscule speck of whatever is in my life, then I will be safe. This is so not true! But sometimes I can’t convince my head of it.
In the context that I’m speaking, the opposite of controlling everything is letting go. I’m terrified to let go and just live. Why? I guess I’m afraid I’ll get hurt (umm, been there/done that), disappointed (yep, that too), let down (uh huh, it’s happened.) All of this has occurred even while I’ve tried to maintain total control. It makes no sense and the whole flippin’ deal is exhausting.
So…what if letting go signifies truly living? Letting go obviously doesn’t mean a lack of pain in life but releasing all the crap will open up room to let in an abundance of joy and fun and excited anticipation too. We have to look for it and trust that we are worthy. Because we are.
Control is prison. Letting go is freedom.
I don’t know what it will take to set all my fears free, to let go and really live, but I won’t give up. I won’t quit. Every move I make to release my demons, my need to control and my lack of trust is a step toward freedom. Life truly is too short not to be lived.