On New Year’s Eve I turned 49. The implications of this didn’t fully materialize until a day later when it hit me. What the absolute hell happened to the past 49 years? The day after my birthday I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. He said New Year’s Day. With a bit of panic I said, “No! It is day 365 of the countdown to my fiftieth birthday!” All he could do was put his head in his hands and tell me it’s going to be “a very long year.”
The reality of turning 50 in less than a year from now (only 357 days to go) has left me with a myriad of emotions. My initial feeling was one of panic when I realized my life is more than half over (unless by some miracle I live to be 100 which, if my eating habits are any indication, is not likely to happen.) My question to myself is, “What now?” Where do I go from here, what do I do, what do I hope to accomplish, what will be my legacy?
Looking past all the usual effects of aging like gray hair, wrinkles and hair that appears in places I didn’t know I had places, there is something more I need to look at; something deeper.
It’s taken some time but I’m beginning to recognize many of the ways I’ve sabotaged my own life. The pain and experiences of my past have governed the way I live. Fear, worry and less-than-stellar self-esteem has caused me to surround myself with that which I thought made me feel safe. In reality I’ve simply been hiding…hiding from the things I need to face and the demons that need cast out.
I am blessed with a husband who has spent the past 19 years walking through periods of hell with me. He is supportive, encouraging and patient. He has, and continues to be a tremendous help to me but one thing I’ve come to realize is that there are some things I must do alone. Only I can truly look deep inside myself and honestly assess what’s there and what I need to do to bring about a better me, a happier me, the real me.
This isn’t something I can do all at once and call it a day. It will be a long process and a journey I would like to share. Fear not! I have no plans to turn my blog into a never-ending excursion through the recesses of my mind stamped with realizations, epiphanies and aha! moments. I will share the things that stand out and grab my attention; things that I hope will help me find my way in this new phase of my life. Maybe you too will see things you can relate to and share as well.
Agatha Christie once said, “I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”
I say, “Let the living begin!”