Aging Ain't For Sissies.

A Good Death

I recently finished a book by Lee Gutkind titled At The End of Life: True Stories of Death and Dying. It was one of the most difficult, informative, painful and necessary books I’ve read in a long time. It’s hard to talk about death because we don’t want to think about it. Understandably we want to avoid it for ourselves and those we love as long as possible. But what happens when this mindset becomes detrimental?

Very soon I turn 56 and as I often say, I have more time behind me than in front of me. I’ve never been one who had a desire to live 85, 95 or more years. I’ve lived many lifetimes in my 56 years and experienced a great deal. When my time comes I think I’ll be ready.

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Death doesn’t scare me…I have a very strong belief in life after death although I have no idea what that life entails. I prefer to think of it as life after life. I’m not afraid to die. Curious, yes. Apprehensive for the unknown, certainly. But not afraid.

No, it’s not death that frightens me, it’s how I’m going to die that is concerning. I have a will as well as directives for end of life care but I’m discovering this isn’t necessarily going to stop suffering from occurring. Specifically suffering at the hands of others…over-zealous doctors, the enforcers of hospital protocol, and perhaps well-meaning people in my life.

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My husband is well aware of my wishes as he has the same ones. We both agree – DNR, no extraordinary measures, no treatments to prolong a life that is terminal. Instead, palliative care, management of pain and to be in as comforting an environment as possible is what I hope for should my death not come quickly and I’m confined to small quarters and an even smaller bed. To be treated with dignity and have our wishes met is what we need as we release our grip on this life.

Studies have shown that most people, if given the choice, would prefer to die at home instead of in a hospital yet more than half of all deaths take place in a hospital or other type of health care facility. Thankfully hospice is becoming more widely available and accepted. They support both patients and their families as they maneuver the path to end of life; one as they die and the others as they move on without the one they love. Hospice strives to make death as comforting as they can, focusing on pain management with as little medical intervention as possible. They work to help manifest a meaningful and comforting end to one’s life.

I understand people wanting to fight to the very end but often times this taxes an overtaxed medical system and forces those who provide our care to reluctantly enter a battle they cannot win. On the opposite side, beware of doctors with big egos and/or the desire to utilize all forms of medical technology even when they KNOW a patient is dying. This isn’t new, it’s been going on for years.

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All this causes great strife for those left behind. They will be the haunted witnesses to extraordinary measures everyone knew would not be life saving as well as the immense suffering these measures caused prior to their loved one‘s death.

Dying and death is hard to talk about because we’ve been taught to be afraid of it. I do not believe death is the worst thing that can happen to someone. I believe immense, unnecessary suffering is much worse. Why impose that suffering if we don’t have to? Doctors and other health care professionals need to speak openly and honestly with their patients about death and dying to help alleviate their fears before it’s too late.

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We have to do our part too. Make time to talk to the people you love about what you do and do not want at the end of your life and then do the paperwork. Research end of life directives and you will find a plethora of information to help you get the conversation started and aid you in getting things in order. It amazes me how often people will have a will drawn up so that all their worldly possessions are taken care of but they fail to put in order their wishes for end of life care. Our life is our responsibility and so is our death. Having things in place for end of life care takes all the pressure off others to make our decisions for us and gives us peace of mind as well.

Also be sure to give those you love a chance to speak freely of their own fears and concerns. No one should be made to feel bad because of how they feel or what they may be afraid of when it comes to watching someone die. They are the ones who will be left to deal with the memories and emotions when we are gone.

Personally I think of death as a passing through so to speak. When I close my eyes for the last time in this world, I will open them for the first time in another. It will be an adventure and I believe with all my heart that this life will pale in comparison to the journey ahead.

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We ARE Enough

I recently finished reading a James Rubart novel titled The Long Journey to Jake Palmer. One of the primary messages I took from this story is that when it comes to certain people in our lives we will never be enough. Thankfully the good news is we don‘t need to be. Because the truth is we are always enough. Always.

We may have spent better part of our lives being told in one way or another that we are not enough. Perhaps it came from our parents or our siblings, friends, bullies, coworkers, spouses or significant others. They said we are not worth it but they were wrong. Why? Because those opinions belong to them, not to us. We can’t own those opinions if we make the choice not to. We know our own truth.

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I don’t know about you but I’ve offered a lot of my time to worrying about what other people think of me. So I adjusted, changed and altered who I am for no other reason than to improve their opinion of me. It was a futile effort because it never worked. I was never going to be enough for them. And you know what? It’s okay because I AM enough and so are you.

For those who think poorly of me or consider me weak or too sensitive, they are people who didn’t understand me and quite frankly I don’t think they want to because they have other agendas. A sensitive person is an easy target for those who have low to no self-esteem. What better way to build yourself up than to beat down on someone who’s not interested in fighting back? Someone who just wants to keep the peace? Other people’s opinions of us are often based on how they really feel about themselves but don’t want to admit it. It’s easier to reflect their crap onto someone else then they don’t have to be responsible for themselves. We were not created to be someone else’s mirror.

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At the end of the day opinions are just that, opinions. They are not our truth. They are a judgment based on any number of things. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be well thought of but when the opinions of others alter how we feel about ourselves, especially when we know those opinions are wrong, it’s problematic. It can be very self destructive because we sacrifice being who we really are in order to be what someone else wants and that just doesn’t fly. We were made to be us and we are important.

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We need to give ourselves permission to be who we are regardless of what other people think. In turn we have to allow other people the same freedom, to be who they are whether we like it or not because ultimately we are all on our own journey. We matter and we are enough! We’ve always been enough. Now is the time to believe it. Trying to live up to other people’s opinions will not fulfill us. It will only leave us empty.

I think the best way to end this is with words spoken to Jake Palmer as the realization hits that he IS indeed enough.

“What would life look like if you could accept yourself, Jake? What would it look like if you realized the fault of your growing up was not yours, but parents who were just children themselves? Parents who tried but simply did not know how to love you because of their own brokenness? What if you realized you are worth being loved not for what you look like, or how powerful your body is, or what you’ve accomplished, but simply because you are?” 

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(Excerpt from “The Long Journey To Jake Palmer” by James L. Rubart. Thomas Nelson publisher. All Rights Reserved.)

When I was younger I mistakenly believed life would somehow become easier as I got older. I could not have been more wrong.

Once I hit my 50s it seems anxiety has become more of a companion than I would prefer and I’ve struggled to figure out why. I’m older now and wiser too so I should feel more confident and less afraid, right? Perhaps finally accepting that I have more time behind me than in front of me has exacerbated anxiety I’ve carried for so long. I know this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be but I think the pressure I put on myself to “get over it” is a big part of the problem as well.

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I’ve been spending time lately identifying my anxieties and fears for what they truly are and trying to unearth their origins. I figured if I did this I might be able to work through some of them. I can’t say that I’m over them or they are gone but I’ve learned a few things that make my fears and my worries less monsoon-like.

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First I had to be honest with myself and admit I have issues with trust. It stems back to when I was very young and right or wrong, good or bad, I have carried them with me my entire life. This includes a lack of trust in God. I believe strongly in a higher Power but I don’t totally trust it. I think the problem lies in how I perceive the world around me. Because the world appears to be going to hell in a hand basket it makes it hard for me to believe in a loving God. That is, until I take the time to be completely aware that I only see the world through a small lens and this is not enough to make a judgment call regarding trust toward a Power much more vast and mysterious than I can ever know.

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I also have a thing about control…I want to control everything in my life. This has pushed me to live more rigidly than I need to. I think deep inside I believe that if I can control everything (EVERYTHING!!), down to the most miniscule speck of whatever is in my life, then I will be safe. This is so not true! But sometimes I can’t convince my head of it.

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In the context that I’m speaking, the opposite of controlling everything is letting go. I’m terrified to let go and just live. Why? I guess I’m afraid I’ll get hurt (umm, been there/done that), disappointed (yep, that too), let down (uh huh, it’s happened.) All of this has occurred even while I’ve tried to maintain total control. It makes no sense and the whole flippin’ deal is exhausting.

So…what if letting go signifies truly living? Letting go obviously doesn’t mean a lack of pain in life but releasing all the crap will open up room to let in an abundance of joy and fun and excited anticipation too. We have to look for it and trust that we are worthy. Because we are.

Control is prison. Letting go is freedom.

I don’t know what it will take to set all my fears free, to let go and really live, but I won’t give up. I won’t quit. Every move I make to release my demons, my need to control and my lack of trust is a step toward freedom. Life truly is too short not to be lived.

Spirit of God

The Holy Spirit is the energy sent by God.” (unknown)

I love this saying. It makes sense to me. Everything and everyone is made up of energy so it only makes sense that God would send the Holy Spirit to us in the form of energy – something we can all relate to on a deep scale.

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I don’t want to delve into the world of science but the study of quantum physics indicates that what we perceive of as our material world, our physical world, isn’t really material or physical at all. As a matter of fact nothing could be further from the truth. As Nikola Tesla put it so well, “If you want to know the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”

Seems to me this works with God, the Divine, as well…if you want to know God then think in terms of energy. God is love and love is energy, not matter. Love is action, love is doing, and love is the energy of movement. Love is God.

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Have you ever walked into a room and noticed the energy? It can draw you in or push you right back out the door again. I think most of us have been around a person we enjoy immensely because their energy brings us up. We are drawn to them. Or perhaps it’s the other way around – their energy is heavy and drags us down, leaving us with an intense urge to escape. Either way, we’ve walked into their energy field and we can feel it. It affects us. It changes the situation at hand in an instant.

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In order for God to reach us, to show us he is near, he requires a way to communicate with us his love, his energy, in a way we can all tap into. An energy that will draw us in, not push us away. Since we all communicate with energy, whether we realize it or not, what better way to reach us than through movement of his energy, his love?

God manifests his love through a flow of energy – billowing in and out and around our own energy at all times. This flow of God’s energy, of his love, is what we call the Holy Spirit. It is never not there. It does not wax and wane or come and go…it always is.

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So what does all this mean? For me it means we are never alone. Even in our loneliest times, during our most painful experiences, we are surrounded by God’s energy of movement, his love. It means that answers we need are as close as a moment in time. A quiet moment tucked in between the louder, every day noises of our lives. A moment when we stop and listen to the almost imperceptible flutter that is left in the wake of the Holy Spirit as it surrounds us in a never ending flow of God’s love.

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All we have to do is be still and be open. We need not be afraid of silence. It’s where we hear God. It’s where his energy flows around us in a torrent of love and acceptance. It’s where his energy of movement, his love, can be found when we need it the most.

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When Eckhart Tolle was asked how one could drop negativity, he responded, “By dropping it.”

We hear quite regularly these days to let go of the negative and we will be happier. If we stop all negative thoughts our lives will be more pleasant and peaceful. The internet is saturated with articles (not to mention memes) touting the power of positive thinking and how we need to eliminate all negativity from our lives.
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I do not disagree that we need to be diligent about how much negativity we allow in our lives but I think we also have to be a little more realistic.

I fully believe that what we put out to the universe comes back to us. If we are putting out negative vibes we are going to get back the same (the law of attraction.)  But sometimes we are forced to deal with negative issues.  This doesn’t mean we are negative people but it does mean that for a moment in time there is negativity in our lives and it must be dealt with regardless.  If we ignore a problem because we are convinced the negativity it might bring to our lives will bring us down or not go away then we are burying our heads in the sand.  The problem will remain until addressed.  What we resist, persists.

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We can’t avoid every negative aspect of life. There seems to be a growing mindset that this is exactly what we should do. It goes hand in hand with the idea that we need to ignore, or better yet suffocate, our dark side. It’s a fact of life that we all have a dark side. Even the Great Masters and avatars had to contend with their dark side before they became enlightened.

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At the end of the day we have to take care of our business including the negative aspects of it. We do not have to dwell on the negativity nor feed it but we can’t ignore it exists within the problems we are facing.  Once dealt with we work to move forward even if it’s at a crawl.

All actions including negative ones have consequences and the residual effects are something we may have to contend with for a long time but how we approach it will govern whether we wallow in it or overcome it.  Not everything that rises out of the ashes of something negative is bad.  Many of life’s most profound lessons are found in the dark.

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I’ve never been a fan of talking on the phone.  To be blunt I hate it with the fire of thousand suns.  There, I said it.  Whew.

I can count on three fingers the number of people I will have phone conversations with that are longer than mere minutes.  I can handle conversations that get to the point quickly but anything past that and you’ll pretty much lose me.phone3

I think my hate/hate relationship with talking on the phone stems from my uncanny (and unwanted) ability to attract people who prefer to talk for hours. Hours!  I guess in a way it’s my own doing.  I hate telling people I don’t like talking on the phone thinking they will take it personally and be hurt.  Without realizing it I am giving them unspoken permission to decide how long the conversation is going to last.

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I also attract people who tend to only talk about themselves. I’m dumbfounded at the sheer number of people who can sit and talk about themselves for the ENTIRE length of a call before finally declaring, “It was great to hear your voice!” and hanging up. Click.  Buh bye.

There is the issue of small talk as well. I am not a small talk kind of person. It is awkward for me for reasons I can’t put my finger on.  It seems so unnecessary I guess.  I do it when the situation calls for it because…well…it’s the polite thing to do.  If it’s important to the person doing the talking then who am I to shut them down?  If I don’t want to engage in small talk then I simply don’t answer the phone at that time.

I think phone calls give me anxiety in part because I prefer to think things through before I speak.  If put on the spot I will verbally stumble around making all kinds of mumbling, guttural sounds before collecting myself.  Letting a call go to voicemail allows me the opportunity to find out what the caller wants so I can process the information and think about it for a moment.  Introverts need the “pause” that voicemail gives that answering the phone doesn’t.phone2

Cherie Burbach, in her article Why Your Introverted Friend Does Not Answer the Phone explains it so well.

“Phones are just one area where an introvert may pause or think before they speak, choosing instead to find just the right word. If you think it’s because your introverted friend isn’t sure what to say, think again. Introverts simply use their brains differently and retrieve information from their memories in a way that is opposite from extroverts.  So while an extrovert can chat away easily, an introvert may reflect on what they say, choose the right words, and finally speak.”

For the record, my dislike of talking on the phone also includes making phone calls.  Omg.  For me making a call is akin to the sensation of listening to finger nails scrape loudly across a chalkboard while the dog licks his butt and the radio blares head banger tunes.

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If you know someone who loves their phone but strongly dislikes talking on it don’t take it personally.  It’s just one of those things – a challenge to live with and difficult to explain.  Ideally we would like people to accept it without making a big deal about it (or worse, making fun of us.)   And for those of us who hate talking on the phone we need to remember that not everyone likes to text so we have to make an effort as well.  It’s a two way street.

Lastly, even though texting has taken away a lot of our personal one-on-one interactions, for some of us it’s a way to stay in touch with those we love without the inexplicably awkward, uncomfortable, nerve racking experience of actually, you know, talking on the phone.

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Moral of the story?  We want to hear from people we care about!  We want to stay in touch.  But we do not want to do it on the phone most of the time.  It’s just not our thing.

Living as an empath has its challenges.  Being highly sensitive to the energy of everything around me – people, animals, my environment indoors and out, Mother Earth and the effects of solar activity to name a few – presents many opportunities to learn about myself.

The first thing I’ve had to learn is discerning which emotions and feelings belong to me and which don’t.  It is not out of the ordinary for me to suddenly become overwhelmed with intense emotional pain whose origin is a mystery to me.  I know instinctively these are not my feelings but I can’t place where they are coming from.  Most often this is followed by deep, wrenching sobs that come from an inexplicable need to release pain that is not mine.

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Next on the list of lessons for this empath has been to be very careful who I let know I can feel their pain (angst, anger, physical ailments etc.)  Not everyone is keen on finding out there is someone who knows how they are feeling…not just knows mind you, but actually can feel what they are feeling, emotionally and physically.  It can turn some people off right quick and then they disappear which I understand.  I’ve had to take a step back so when I get a vibe or I sense something about someone I don’t just come out and say it – I am more apt now to simply touch base with them and ask how they are doing.  If people want to talk, they will.  It is not my place to make their pain my business just because I can feel it – if they choose to confide in me I will never abuse that privilege.

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Next lesson – some people DO want to talk.  And talk and talk and talk, having no idea they are subconsciously pulling in my good energy and giving back to me their negative energy.  It can be very draining.  It’s most obvious when someone says to me, “I feel so much better talking to you!” but I feel worse – drained and heavy.  Just recently I called to check in with someone and an hour and a half later they admitted (a bit sheepishly) they love hearing my voice but it’s a shame they don’t get to hear it much because they do all the talking.  They said they find themselves telling me things they don’t share with anyone else.  All I could do was laugh and tell them I get that a lot.

This next lesson is simple…I know when people lie.  Period.

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Also…I know things I shouldn’t know.  I often know things that are going to happen before they happen.  I have no idea how I know or why, I just know.  Ask my wonderful husband who is finally getting used to it, bless his ever patient heart.  (PS and by the way, I cannot pick winning lottery numbers or tell you what stocks will be hot in the future.  Just sayin’.)

Not to be left out…I am not special because I’m an empath.  It is not a gift, it is simply part of who I am.  I should not, nor do I want to be, treated differently.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn, and admittedly haven’t learned well yet, is that setting boundaries is an absolute must.  I’ve been in burn out mode for a long time without knowing why.  Now that I’m aware it’s because I absorb the energy around me – from people I know and don’t know, from the earth, animals as well as being affected by other types of energy – it’s my responsibility to take care of myself no matter who it pisses off.  If I choose to be by myself, which I love to do, it’s so I can recharge.  That’s all.

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Another hard lesson is that I can’t save everyone from feeling pain.  I used to want to until I realized that if I could take away a person’s pain I might also be taking away from them an important life lesson they need to learn.  This would accomplish nothing positive for them and in turn would suck my soul dry.

I no longer watch the news or violent movies/TV shows.  I absorb too much of it, even the make believe stuff.  I can already feel so much, adding to it does me no good.  I’m much better off now that I avoid this type of exposure.  Oddly though, I enjoy the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit series of movies.

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I want to briefly say something to the parents and caregivers of sensitive children, children who seem older than their years.  Give them a break.  Don’t try to mold them into something that makes you more comfortable for you will only make their life harder.  There is more help available now for the parents and caregivers of empathic children than ever before.

I think one thing I most appreciate that I’ve learned is I am not alone.  There are MANY empaths out there.  We are waking up and finally beginning to understand we are not “crazy”, “overly sensitive”,   “temperamental” or any other such nonsense.   We are not weird and we are not freaks.  Also, please stop rolling your eyes at us.  Most of us are getting to the point (finally!) where we don’t care if you believe whether or not empaths are real.  We know we are.  We are the real deal and we are bad ass.

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