Aging has a way of encouraging a person to look back on where they’ve been, forward to where they’re going and most importantly to where they are in the present moment.
When I look back on my life I see that I spent a sizable chunk of it apologizing for who I am.
During my most impressionable years I was labeled temperamental, moody, silly, stupid, ridiculous. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I said. I was weird and no one knew what to do with me. I’m sorry I said.
I went out into the world with few people skills. I took jobs that I probably shouldn’t have because I didn’t know what else to do. Some of them I did okay and others I failed. I’m sorry I said.
I did not know how to give and receive love and my relationships, platonic and otherwise, failed. I’m sorry I said.
People that found their way into my life were those who were stronger than me emotionally. I allowed them in without realizing what was happening until it was too late. It was how I was programmed and I didn’t know I had the power to change it. The bullies, the bosses and sometimes the friends. If a confrontation was needed and I could find the guts to speak up for myself I was told I was being defensive, emotional, not rational. I’m sorry I said.
I met Fred and he didn’t expect any apologies. He didn’t want them. But still there were others I allowed to walk over top of me. To talk down to me. To treat me like I was lesser than them. I wasn’t supposed to have an opinion. I’m sorry I said.
When we moved away from the home that we had lived in previously I was able to say goodbye to one of those people. That person did not let go easily but for me it was one of the best things I had ever done for myself. I was not sorry. Not anymore.
Getting on the Internet, specifically the Prodigy network back in the early 90s, opened a whole new world of people to me. It was also the beginning of me finding out who I really am.
Prodigy is long gone and now there is Facebook and Twitter etc. We can hide behind our little screens and be whoever we want. I prefer to be me – the me that no longer apologizes for who she is.
I no longer apologize for being an emotional and highly sensitive individual. I will never again apologize for being an empath nor for the gift I have of being able to read people. To being able to know when someone is lying to me. To know or feel what others are feeling. I will not apologize for being different or for not conforming to what is considered the norm. To apologize for being who I am makes no sense.
I have experience to share with those who want it. And for those that think they have all the answers, more power to you. I will not apologize for trying. I will not apologize for calling out blatant bullshit or lies. I will call it as I see it yet I will be the first to call myself out if I am wrong or out of line. And then you damn well better believe I will apologize.
To me there is nothing more liberating than being honest and accountable for my actions. When I screw up, saying I’m sorry isn’t for me. It’s for the other person. A way to acknowledge they are important enough for me to take responsibility for my actions. Hell, I apologize to my pets when I screw up.
For those that cross the line with me? I’ll get over it. Eventually any grudge I feel will disappear. Grudges are a waste of time. What I won’t do is let you back in. It will be your loss. It will be my loss. Another life lesson learned. No apology needed.